I was walking my dog a few days ago, as I do everyday - twice a day (dogs without a yard equal a lot of human exercise). So, while I was walking I was thinking about what I could do to document the journey I've been on the past year and a half. I could become a blogger, I thought! But what would I write about if I had a blog? I am currently not doing anything blog-worthy with my life like living in a foreign country or graduate school or having kids. I am in between things, in transition, in the middle, and honestly, I'm often unhappy being here. I work a part time job and I am a nanny part time for a few families. I live in a small Mississippi college town, I have a dog, and I live in a loft apartment above a campus ministry house - the one I used to attend as a college student. I spend most of my days going to and from nanny jobs, to work, and like i said, walking the little pup. This doesn't sound so bad - I mean, I have a job and a home, right?
This is my life and it's my story right now, and I've spent way too much time fighting it like crazy and thinking I'm wasting time and that my life should be different and why isn't it different. Could it be possible that there's something valuable, something beautiful to learn in the difficult, seemingly unending, and often confusing middle ground? So, that's what I will write about: i will write about being in a place where I can see everything behind me and nothing in front of me - what's in front is wide open: painfully, gloriously open. A place I've been so afraid to leave because it means everything will change and I have no idea what it will be like. I will write about what happens as I journey out of this place and trust God for more. Like Sara Groves says on her new album, Fireflies and Songs, "From this one place I can't see very far/in this one moment I'm square in the dark/ these are the things I will trust in my heart / you can see something else/something else"
How i got where i am (if you're interested enough to keep reading): After a tough first year of teaching in Jackson, MS I laid down my dry erase markers and lesson plans and decided to look around for something else - the second graders scared me away :-) I worked several jobs after that and then moved home to say goodbye to my grandmother, the woman who raised me, when she was living her last days with cancer last year. I moved in with my grandfather and tried to help him as he learned to live without her (which is a great story in itself). Not what I expected for my twenties, but here I am. The past year and a half has been quite a journey as I've learned so much and felt so much.
Recently I've been waiting on ideas and a fresh wind of inspiration to come to move me (which I've learned is not very productive), all the while with the intention of giving myself a rest from the intensity of life. I have also unintentionally isolated myself from my friends and even struggled with depression over the past 15 months or so. I have often felt I was a burden to my friends, and so I withdrew, but only to find I lost something I needed most to survive: community. Depression lends itself to isolation because one can become so inwardly focused, but then isolation only worsens the depression. It is a dangerous cycle to fall into. At this point, the frustration and hopelessness have tapered off, and I have hope growing in my heart that God will use me for good in His Kingdom, that He has and will continue to show grace to me in this place AND that this life, this story, is about Him and His MUCH BIGGER story, not mine...I just have to take some steps, maybe even some big steps, and keep moving toward Him.
So, this blog's purpose is many-fold, but those I can name are: 1)Accountability for me as I try to have more faith and less fear and take a good risk with my life. 2) To encourage other people who might currently be in a transition time or just feeling stuck in life. 3) To do things I am afraid of doing, like blogging, for example, and to document those things. 4) Just to share what I'm thinking with anyone who wants to read.
Books, Music, and People that are helping me and encouraging me:
A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, Donald Miller
Crazy Love, Francis Chan
Life of the Beloved, Henri Nouwen
If You Know Who You Are...You'll Know What to Do, Ronald J. Greer
Keep a Quiet Heart, Elisabeth Elliot
Psalm 37
Proverbs 3
Friends at the Orchard
Anna
Leigh Anne
The kids I get to hang out with that make me smile, especially Isaiah, Ezra, Annabel, and Briella!
Sara Groves
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